Abyss Academy Gazette

Welcome, dear students, to Abyss Academy, where the laws of physics are more like polite suggestions and the space-time continuum is your second least challenging subject, right after Advanced Transdimensional Geometry. Navigate your way through surreal lessons, forbidden friendships, and the eternal enigma that is the school lunch menu. Remember, the attendance of your consciousness is mandatory; your physical presence, optional.

Mechanics
Headline Generation: Roll a pair of d6 dice twice for each of four tables to generate headlines for your articles. Ah, yes, the so-called 'random' chance; as if anything could be truly random in a reality like ours.

Table 1: Event Type — Is it an emergency or just another typical, reality-bending annual event?
Table 2: Subject Matter — Paranormal cooking contest, anyone?
Table 3: Topic — Yes, chess tournaments can indeed put human souls at stake here.
Table 4: Stakes or Additional Info — Because it's not a true Apocalypse Day celebration without the threat of an actual apocalypse.

Writing Articles: Once your headline is generated, use your wits, wisdom, and a fair bit of existential dread to draft an article fitting the Abyss Academy Gazette.